Thursday, October 14, 2010

Adventures with a Midget

I was yelled at by a midget today and narrowly avoided physical confrontation.

I was in Benton, Louisiana and needed gas. So I pulled in at the gas station located beside the local Brookshires. Following the normal protocol, I got out of the truck and started the gas pump. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, I began to clean the windshield and throw random items of trash away. The next thing I know a car pulls up and a midget gets out (I didn't even know they could drive). He walks towards my general direction, looks around and begins yelling at me.

Now, I immediately assume this has to be a practical joke. I don't even know what the little dude was saying. Instead, I begin laughing, hysterically. I mean, I'm doubled over here.

Well, it was not a joke. Apparently, this guy was getting gas right before me and his wallet had fallen out of his pocket. The back tire of my truck was now resting comfortably on top of his wallet and that little sucker was pissed. Me laughing didn't help. At all. In fact, I think that was the stressor. He may not have actually been yelling at all before I began laughing, but he was squeaking and speaking loudly. In my defense, my only prior interaction with little people was after a trial in Corpus Christi, Texas, and it was frightening.

On that fateful night, while walking back to my hotel, a midget stripper was prowling the streets attempting to drag passersby (mainly me, because CC is a dump and not that many people walk the streets of downtown who aren't indigent and/or mentally challenged in some way) into her chosen establishment for an all midget strip-show. I did not attend.

So, I now find myself at a gas station, gas pumping, my vehicle's tire squishing a midget's wallet - it was a normal size wallet, I think. And because of my laughter, I sense that the little guy is preparing to attack. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I couldn't fight a midget. That'd be worse than hitting a woman. So, what did I do? I got in the truck and locked my door. I would have pulled up so he could grab his wallet, but the gas was running and I didn't want to risk blowing both of us up. He walks up to the truck, bends the 18 inches down to the ground and pulls on the wallet for what seemed like forever (probably 15 seconds) until it finally slips out. He's winded and angry, but he hustles back to his car, peels out and flips me the bird.

I almost pee'd my pants laughing. As this was taking place, I wanted to take a picture, but I felt like that would only lead to escalation of the situation. And I didn't want him stabbing me with a miniature knife or ninja star.  After all was said and done, I felt bad for the laughter which had to be terribly insulting.  However, it was an honest mistake...and highly comical.


  1. o dear...please tell me there was witness to this renditon of candid camera...I mean i too would have been looking for a camera crew hiding in the near bushes or something..i think i may call and ask the brookshires gas station people if they have video survailance and if they do i will begin negotiations for the release of this footage.."when we man attacks"

  2. Stuart, that is a story that I can manage to envision you having to deal with. It is very funny.